In __________ We Trust....or do we?

As a young child, we all have "those people" that we look up to. It could be your mom, dad, sibling, grandparent, counselor, coach, teacher...the list is truly endless. The question is why? Why did we look up to these specific people? Were they fun? Were they loving? Did they encourage us? Were they there when no one else was? Once again, the list is endless. Take a minute to grab a piece of paper and write down the person and the why in your life. Perhaps there are a few different people from different stages of your life, or perhaps there is just one. Either way, take a moment to reflect on this person and their character traits that drew you in. 

I have felt compelled to write a blog on "Good Touch, Bad Touch" for a while now due many stories that have surfaced over the past few years. It seems like people are finally taking a stand on what's appropriate and what isn't. The "#metoo" campaign where celebrities, average Joe's, friends of mine, and other moms speak out against sexual assault and sharing their stories has also encouraged me. Well, I can say "#metoo" and join the crowd. I am not so much worried about myself and my voice about what happened to me. I have made up numerous excuses about why things happened to me and, of course, found blame in myself...not the other parties. I have coped and I am still learning to cope. I am married to an amazing man who has only the utmost respect for my body and for that I am forever grateful. I am married to someone who gives me confidence...not by grabbing my ass or staring at my non-existent boobs, but by encouraging me and complimenting me on a daily basis. I am proud of my husband and wish more men acted like he did. 

My family is about to grow by one in 2 weeks. We have two incredible boys, ages 3 & 6, and will welcome a little sister into the mix. Most people call me a "tiger mom" and express that I am too overprotective or "crazy". If you ask me, I am just protecting my children from avoidable situations. One learns a lot being a mother and teacher. I see things every single day that grab at my heart strings and pulls them as hard as it can. I see and hear about sexual assault on a daily basis. I am over it and I will do WHATEVER it takes to make sure it does not happen to my children.

Back to all those folks we trusted and looked up to when we were younger....what were they like? Who were they? My sister and I went to the YMCA camp when we were younger and there was the one "cool" camp counselor that people hung around with. He was the fun, outrageous, spontaneous, crazy counselor who would do anything to ensure the kids were having a good time. This counselor took kids on trips, DJ'd at all of our parties, and just always seemed to be around. Hell, I hired him 6 years ago to DJ my wedding because of my past knowledge of him and trust that he would do a great job with his charismatic personality. Well, he did a wonderful job and my wedding was amazing but not even two weeks ago his face starts popping up all over the news and on social media. He has been charged on 12 accounts of sexual assault/abuse with children back in the 90's. These brave souls came forward recently and now the small town I'm from sees this "awesome" person as a coward. Were the signs there? Could we have protected each other better? Are there more? The questions are endless...

I have gone back and forth on this article due to not wanting to hurt feelings or making people uncomfortable but honestly, I don't care if  make you uncomfortable. If you get uncomfortable because I tell you to move your hands or watch what you're doing around my child then maybe you have a problem. My children are MY children and I will dictate what I feel is "safe and appropriate" versus what is "uncomfortable and inappropriate".
I have created a list with help from websites, other moms, and my personal experiences. It is FULL of things that I find incredibly disturbing and from now on, I will be the voice for my child. I will remove them from uncomfortable situations and I will call out others.  This may not seem "mature" but I will protect my children from things that could have been avoided in the long run. I will do whatever it takes to make sure they always carried themselves with the confidence and innocence all kids deserve to have. I refuse to let anyone take away those qualities from my children because they are sick and perverted. 

Do NOT Ever:

• put your hands and fingers in or near their mouths 
• hold my child anywhere near their private area. Your arms should be overlapped on each other and locked to ensure security. They should never be near their private or on thighs.
• use the same stall as my children. They are old enough to go into their own stall and do their business without an audience. Also, they do not need to use the urinal yet either. They deserve their own privacy. Give it to them.
• shower with my child. Once again, they are old enough to shower alone.
• allow or encourage my child to run around without clothes on.
• tell my child to change in front of you or vice versa. They do not need an audience and are quite self-sufficient in the dressing department and hopefully you are too.
• lay with my child and put your hands under the covers. Your hands should be visible at all times and in your own space. 
• use inappropriate terminology around my children (dick, nuts, balls, etc) or say inappropriate jokes around them.
• keep secrets with my child. Our children are taught the difference between secrets and surprises. Secrets are inappropriate and bring strings of guilt to children.
• force my child to do anything. "No" means "No" and "Stop" means "Stop". 
• put my child's head in your lap.
• put your hands under my childs clothes for any reason.
• grab my child and set them in your lap. They will sit with you if they choose.
• go against my wishes. I am their parent, you are not. Do not go against what I say.
• tickling and “accidentally” touching genitalia...ever. 
• play activities that involve removing clothes (massage, swimming).
• play games that include touching genitalia (playing doctor to that extent).
• discuss/show sexually explicit information under the guise of education.

I know that there is so much more out there but this covers the gist of what I wanted to address. Now, I am sure that after you read all of that you are thinking, "Yep, she is a crazy mom." I want my children to know that they are the owners of their own bodies and are allowed to stand up to whoever when they feel uncomfortable.I want them to know they can come to me and tell me anything. I want them to feel comfortable talking about things that go on and asking any questions they may have. We talk to our children about their bodies and boundaries often and we will continue to do so. I am asking everyone who respects me in any way, shape, or form to read this and try to understand why this is so important. Please talk to your children about their bodies and what is ok vs not ok. We must advocate for them. I hate to say it but the majority of the time when sexual assault or abuse takes place...we know the coward doing it. And most of the time, it is someone we, and our children, trust. Let's break this pattern NOW.

If you read this far, thank you :) Please leave comments below to share your story or more ideas on how we can protect our children. 

My Life with Hyperemesis Gravidarum

As I’m getting out of bed at 2:00pm on a Saturday, I send my husband to Starbucks and jump in the shower. While I wish I enjoyed taking showers, I don’t. I’m 8 months pregnant with hyperemesis gravidarum which means I throw up every day (anywhere from 3-7 times. This is a HUGE improvement!), I’m physically so weak I can barely make it up a few stairs, I have no desire to eat due to the thought of it coming back up, and so much more...which we’ll get too. It’s the “extreme” everything in a pregnancy and more. It’s hell.

I just finished puking and will now enjoy my iced peppermint mocha soy latte while giving you all grand advice….what NOT to say to someone struggling with hyperemesis gravidarum.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy. (Warning: There may be some profanity...sorry!)

1. “But you’re past three months, you shouldn’t still be throwing up!”
2. “You don’t even look pregnant!”
3. “How do you do it?”
4. “What’s your trick to staying so skinny during pregnancy?”
5. “Let me know how I can help!”
6. “It’ll be worth it in the end.”
7. “You should be grateful it’s not ______.”
8. “Maybe the throwing up will go away soon.”
9. “What are your cravings?”
10. Have you tried ginger, crackers, blah blah blah blah blah?
11. “Isn’t that a medicine for cancer patients? Is it safe for the baby?”
12. “It’ll be here before you know it.”
13. “Just take it easy.”
14. “You don’t look so good. Are you feeling ok?” OR “You look great! I guess HG went away!”

These are just the first ones that popped in my head as I sat down to type. Now... time to answer these amazing questions.

1. This is NOT a “normal” pregnancy. Some women puke up until the minute their baby pops out (or placenta). Extreme means there is no end time. Some women with HG are more fortunate to have it subside throughout their pregnancy and some, well, they aren’t so lucky. I’m in the second category.
2. I get it. Really, I do. I don’t “look” pregnant. Well I am, 8 months to be exact. I want to look pregnant, I want the stupid glow, I want to walk around in cute maternity clothes and have everyone coo and ahh over me (okay, actually I don’t.) When you throw up daily, don’t eat due to PTSD from puking 50 times a day, and are terrified of food and what it’ll do to your body… you don’t gain much weight. Most women with HG lose anywhere from 5-90 pounds in their pregnancy! It’s crazy! Believe me they want the bump and to gain a reasonable amount of weight so they’re not constantly worrying about their health and the babies health.
3. How do I do it? I don’t… if it weren’t for my kickass husband, I would have had to terminate. I love kids more than anything in the world but there is NO way I would have been able to take care of my boys and myself without my husband. HG brings out a severe depression in women. Why me? Can we make it through? How many more minutes or hours? If I terminate, my life can go back to normal. I’m never going to make it. This is the hardest question I get. My kids have said they don’t want their sister because she hurts mommy too much, mommy used to be fun, mommy just sleeps all the time, mommy I am going to puke just like you… it goes on and on and on. Be aware of this question and how you ask it...is a sensitive topic and most of the time the person asking isn’t quite ready for the “honest truth”. I’m not making it.
4. What’s your trick to staying so skinny during pregnancy? Puking. Mother****ing puking. Every single damn day. Try it. It’s a lot of fun, I promise.
5. Please do NOT offer help if you don’t intend to follow through. I am a strong and independent woman but you better believe I have put every ounce of pride aside and ACCEPTED all kinds of help. I have been so blessed with people cleaning my house, bringing us dinner, baking me pumpkin goods, doing our laundry, sending me anti nausea crap and so much more. HG warriors need support. If you offer it, follow through. Don’t wait for us to reach out to you. Chances are our spouses and children need to eat, too. My husband does SO much now that I want to do what I can to ensure he doesn’t have to cook all the time. Just drop a meal on the front door step, send a few meal gift cards,offer to take our child out somewhere and give them a short break, etc. It’s so hard to put our pride aside as mothers, but sometimes we must. We NEED the help.
6. This one is another super personal one. I have now missed out on 8 months of my 6 and 3 year old boys lives. I will NEVER get this time back. I’m in bed from the second I get home from work. I quit work for a while and slept all day every day. Any ounce of energy I find, I give to them. I feel like they have grown so much in the last 8 months. Is she worth missing all this time with my amazing kids? Am I selfish? Will they remember this? I push myself to do any and everything I can with them, to make memories with them, and to reassure them that I love them more than they’ll ever know. Most of the time I pay for it the next day by puking more and being more exhausted but it’s worth it to me. The Mom guilt takes on a whole new meaning when you’re diagnosed with a life-threatening situation that no one understands.
7. So, this might be where the cussing comes in. “You should be grateful it’s not ________________.” and fill in the blank with some other diagnosis. Okay, so first of all, NEVER EVER EVER say this. HG has been compared to some of the worst diagnosis’ out there. We are allowed to have some sort of emotion and feeling toward our diagnosis. We are grateful we don’t have something else on top of HG, believe me, but we wouldn’t wish HG on anyone. Those who have struggled with it would never ever say this to someone who is currently struggling with it. It ruins our lives. It puts everything on hold. It makes us suicidal. It wrecks us financially. It ruins our relationships. It doesn’t have a cure and very few doctors actually know how to handle it and support you. I’m going to leave this here.
8. “Maybe you’ll stop throwing up soon.” Ummm…. Yeah. It’s only been 230 days, I’m sure day 231 is the magic number. ::eye roll::
9. Cravings? What cravings? I see a piece of food. I analyze that piece of food. I determine how it will feel/taste coming back up. I avoid food at all cost because I’m terrified to throw it up. I can make a list of the top ten worst things to throw up if you’d like (salad is at the top!). I can also make a list of things that aren’t so bad (chocolate protein smoothies!). Just let me know if you’re interested.
10. Okay folks, so we appreciate your sympathy and advice but ginger crackers, peppermint, ginger ale, ginger root, sea bands, anti-nausea spray, ritz crackers, saltine crackers, sprite, and any other amazing stereotypical “reduce nausea” theory will just simply not work. Hyperemesis is extreme. It’s not something that is calmed by a ginger supplement; it’s like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things. It takes everything out of you. Believe me, if these things worked, we would have been healed by week 12...like everyone else.
11. This one stung a little. So, when I was diagnosed with HG, I was prescribed 4 over the counter medicines that I had to take anywhere from 2-4 times a day. There were days I was popping, or inserting, medications into my body over 15 times. As many people know, and have an opinion on, Zofran is a medication used to help cancer patients, and folks with hyperemesis. But, boy oh boy, if you take it you better get ready for all those folks who have never suffered from anything like this to tell you that your baby is going to come out deformed due to the medication we take.  I’m sorry, where did you say you got your MD from?
12. I am still cringing at the sound of this phrase and I am only 32 days away. This has been the LONGEST and most DIFFICULT season of my life. Do NOT tell me it will be here before I know it! My journey continues until my baby girl is out of my body and in my arms and that’s if I am lucky and don’t suffer from PPD, PTSD, and 1000% other things that come from pregnancy. Every day seems like a year. When you are puking, suicidal, hysterical, worthless, and exhausted 24 hours a day/7 days a week you are not only marking off the days until this journey is over, you are marking off the seconds.The best thing that has helped me is reminding myself that it is “just a season” and something magical will come from it. This has been one difficult, and long, season.
13. As I am sitting in bed, on bedrest for the third time this pregnancy, I laugh hysterically at this phrase. “Just take it easy.” I’m sorry, come again? I have always been a busy body, a planner, and outdoorsy type, an insanely hands on mother (I think they call those helicopter moms!), an adventurous wife, and a very hard worker. I have two boys (3 & 6), I have three jobs (teaching 5th grade, working for a race company, and I own my own business which is a family health club), I love planning parties and spending time with friends and family any chance I get. Since HG, I have realized I need to slow down. It has been very difficult for me to allow my husband to take over and call the shots. I am  a control freak, I can admit it. First of all, how can one take it easy with two rambunctious boys? How can a teacher of 30 fifth grade students “take it easy”? How can an entrepreneur “take it easy”? HG takes over your life. It forces you to forfeit very important things in your life. I’ve been very humbled through this journey and can’t wait to get my normal life back.Imagine being told you have to quit everything you’re currently doing? It’s not realistic...really. And no ,I can’t just “quit” my job. We like money, benefits, and feeling stable.
14. My goal during the pregnancy is to do everything I can to wake up, shower, and do my best to get ready everyday. This is like the biggest challenge ever when you feel miserable, but to me it’s so worth it. If you at least look cute on the outside, I think you feel 50% better. There are also days I go out in my husbands sweatpants, an oversized hoodie, and barely look alive. Those are the days I feel worst about myself. It never fails though, if I look cute people assume HG is gone and life is perfect. If I look like hell, people ask if I feel ok. No, no I do not feel ok. I am slowly dying inside but thanks for asking. Just say, “I’m thinking about you!” and move on.

*For all my hyperemesis gravidarum survivors…. YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

*For all my folks who do not have HG, offer support (not advice), bring us meals, offer to clean our home, and just listen. Do not try and diagnose us with morning sickness. We need a shoulder to cry on and someone who can tell us that we are enough. Our bodies are strong. Stronger than we could ever imagine.

*For all the spouses/family members of folks with HG, same advice above goes to you. This is a season and believe me we appreciate you more than you will ever know. I have seen my husband stand up and become a man to our children and a man to me. We have never gone through something this difficult but it has made us so much stronger and I look forward to being his “old wife” again. It’s ok for you to get discouraged, frustrated, and feel lost. We know you want to heal us. The time is coming. Stick by our side..please.

*To all my single mamas struggled with HG, join support groups, find a confidant that will support you no matter what, get out and TALK to people. This is not something anyone should struggled through alone. Please feel free to reach out to me as well. I understand you. (lbglass@gmail.com)

If you have read to the end, I want to genuinely thank you for wanting to understand what we go through and how hard it is on us. Please let me know if you have any questions. I am no expert by any means, but I am an HG struggler and a soon to be HG survivor. <3 font="">